Hitting Rock Bottom...

"I'm determined to not let this slice of pizza decide the rest of my life." I said that to my cousins on one of our trips to visit my grandparents in Florida. We had just gotten back to our hotel room, after having a few beers and grabbing a few pizzas for dinner. As the 3 of us scarfed down the pies, and there was one slice left...knowing that I wasn't hungry anymore, but feeling the need to eat it, I said the above...and at that point the seed of the begining of my weightloss journey was planted. It was a start to what would be an amazing transformation of myself, a transformation that would take place approximatley 3 years later, but it was the moment I realized that food was running my life. So now here I am, basically right back where I started, and I have let that slice of pizza decide my life again for the past 3 years. Starting with the day that I lost my job, and depression started to take hold, I started to eat to hide the depression from myself, then to celebrate even the most mundane events, or just beacause I was bored. For some reason food became the only way we knew how to have fun...be happy...occupy ourselves. But deep inside I hated myself. I would at least once a day look at myself in the mirror and tell myself how much I despised what I had become once again. But sometimes you need to completly hit rock bottom before you can reach the top once again. Events over the past few weeks have indeed caused me to hit bottom not just emotionally but physically as well. I am tired of being tired, sick of my joints hurting, sick of not being able to ride my bike without huffing and puffing, sick of having a closet full of clothes I love but can't fit into, tired of seeing myself in the mirror and hating what I see, and most of all we are tired of feeling like the only way we can have fun or be happy is if we are spending money and going out to eat. A long talk was had on Friday night...and hopefully good things for the future will result from it. A future where we are happy...happy like we used to be...happy without always turning to food to be that way. This will be much harder then it has been in the past...I know that now. But there is only one direction to go from here...and that is up.

Well that didn't go quite as planned...

My weigh in on Saturday didnt go quite as planned. I though that I had eaten very well and stuck with the program this past week, with the exception on Wednesday. The end of the week ended up being very stressful, with the passing of my father in law, but all in all I thought I did fairly well. Then on got on the scale... UP 4.6 POUNDS!?!?!? I could use the excuse that I weighed in at a different Weight Watchers location as to why that could have happened. But making excuses doesn't get me any closer to my goal. The stress level around here is still a bit high, but it well eventually disapate. I just have to stay on track and the weight WILL come off.

Something to work for...

All the success I have had in the past with weight loss has been due to the fact that I had a goal to focus on. When I started it was the goal of being less than 250lbs by my wedding, after that it was so I finally looked good when we went back to Disney World. So as being healthy, fitting back into my closet full of clothes, and being able to ride coasters with my Goddaughters wasn’t enough I have set a reward for reaching my goal weight. I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO SURF. There I said it, it’s posted on here (kind of written in ‘stone’), and now I have a goal reward to work towards. I have always secretly wanted to learn how, and now it’s not a secret anymore. When I reach my goal weight, I will treat myself to surfing lessons.

Hershey Park: Fun in the sun and a hard smack in the face...

So as I mentioned in yesterday’s blog I was looking forward to “Springtime in the Park” and felt like it might give me the smack in the face that I need. Well ask and ye shall receive…1st up was my favorite old coaster “The Comet” which I was able to squeeze myself into. It was a bit uncomfortable but I figured that if I could handle that the rest of the day would go well. Boy was I wrong… After the Comet Mary and I decide to head over and get on “The Claw”. Well as I squeeze myself into this one, the attendant come over and sees that the shoulder harness must not be locked into the correct position, and begins forcing it tighter to no avail…then it happened…I was told I was to large to ride. I laughed when I had to get off because that’s my defense mechanism, so no one on the ride could see my complete embarrassment. As I stood there and watched Mary ride and tried to choke back tears, I realized that I needed that to happen. I needed to be completely embarrassed. As it stands now my Goddaughters are coming to visit and go to Hershey Park the end of June. I refuse to be embarrassed in front of them, I refuse to not be able to go on any rides with them….

Weigh in results for 4/3/2010

Well I am up 2.8 pounds from my last official Weight Watchers weigh-in two weeks ago. I can’t say that I am completely surprised due to the way we have been eating the past week or so. So here I sit, looking a number that is 2/10ths of a pound away from being back in the 300 pound range. To say that I am extremely frustrated with myself at this point might be one of the biggest understatements of the year. I really wish I knew why it has been so hard for me to get the focus back that I used to have. I know that I can do it…I just don’t really know why I seem to not do it. Well not that the weather is getting warm out Mary and I want to try and start running. I found a really nice path across from Hershey Park that looks like it is secluded enough that I won’t embarrass myself too much. Tomorrow might be that wake-up call that I really need, since we are heading to Hershey Park for “Spring Time in The Park”. We’ll see how comfortably I fit into some of my favorite coasters, and hopefully that will smack me in the face a bit. I do want to try and not eat anything really bad tomorrow for the few hours we are there, we’ll see how that all goes.

Greetings and salutations

Hi, my name is Chris and this is the start of my blog dedicated to my journey to 180 pounds. I have been fat almost my entire life, and I don’t mean carrying around a few extra pounds. I mean FAT. You know that wonderful sounding phrase “Morbidly Obese”…That is me. I was the kid in school that was made fun of on a constant basis, which in turn added to the problem…to cover up the hurt I ate. Eating made me feel better, even if just for a short time. But eating like that caused me to gain more weight, which in turn caused me to be made fun of, which caused me to eat…It was a vicious cycle. I hated being fat, and my family knew it. My mother tried to help me lose weight by cooking healthy meals, but that didn’t stop me from heading to the corner store and buying my own stash of junk food. It wouldn’t be just a candy bar or a small bag of chips. Nope. It would be spending every last cent I had buying the large bags of chips, 2 liter bottles of soda and candy that I would eat in privacy of my room. My mom even got me a membership to the local gym for my birthday one year, complete with a trainer named Mark. Mark was one of those types of people who saw that fat kid walk in the door and would decide to have some fun with him. He made the whole experience miserable for me, which lead me to quitting after only a few days and retreating back to my horrible eating habits. Once I got my own car and job things just got worse. I had money coming in and easier access to fast food. A typical meal at McDonalds for me consisted of a 20 piece McNugget, and 2 “Supersized” fries and “Supersized” soda. Before I knew it I was pushing 400 pounds. I was miserable and heading for an early grave. Around 2002 I decided that enough was enough and started to eat better and tried to exercise as often as I could. I had some success with losing weight, but not as much as I had hoped. Then in the fall of 2004 my fiancée Mary and I decided to join Weight Watchers. It was then that the light bulb finally clicked on and I knew I was finally ready. Mary and I we planning our wedding for June of 2005 and I set a goal for myself of being 250 bound by that day. For the first time in my life I set a weight loss goal and reached it. The day of our wedding I weighed in at 249 pounds. After that for me it seemed so easy… we ate healthy, I exercised every day and before I knew it a year later I was 209 pounds. I looked amazing, and I finally could shop in the trendy stores. My goal was in sight!!!!! September 27, 2007. That was the day that fat kid returned with a vengeance. That was the day the company I had worked for over the last 4 and a half years went out of business. Suddenly I was out of a job and had no real routine. Depression hit hard as I struggled to find a new job over the next 2 years. Once again I turned to food to make myself feel better, and in turn undid all that hard work that was started in the fall of 2004. So now here I sit, on March 31, 2010 almost back to being over the 300 pound mark once again. In February we moved out of NJ and to Harrisburg, PA trying to get a fresh start. This blog will be part of that fresh start, the start of me getting back on track to being that guy I was just a few years ago. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I know I can do it. Here we go…..Again :-)